Except that once we sat down and looked at it all, if we drove down the day of and home the day of, we could do it...and so we did.
I have a weeks worth of blogging I can do about that 24 hour trip to our nation's capital, but alas, most if it will have to wait...but be aware, I have a list!
Since we spent a great deal of time in the car, that is where the Lord was dealing with me. Sigh...
John all but drove for a living during all the years he was on the job. I trust him completely with our safety, except that I hate not being in charge. And being in the shot gun position means I am definitely not in charge. I finally decided to just keep my eyes shut, unless I was driving of course...'cause that would be stupid.
Eyes shut...yeah, that can be pretty scary too. Have you ever been on a roller coaster and kept your eyes shut? What happens? Yes, it feels like you are going to go over a cliff. Opening your eyes can be just as scary when you see that you are on a ride, specifically designed to make you feel like you are going over a cliff! Okay, that is what my being a passenger in a car feels like.
When my eyes are shut, I fall into vain imaginings. When they are open and I see break lights ahead of us...yeah, just like falling off a cliff.
The thing is that I thought I had destroyed that spirit of fear. But evidently, I only wounded it because it is back and it brought friends. I found myself asking God to deliver me over and over again...panic prayers. Come on, we've all done them.
Funny that when I was driving, no fear. For the last part of the journey home, John and I drove separate cars...yes, my eyes were open, duh. I was not bothered in the least by it all. Given that I had sound asleep children in my car, I pumped up the proverbial volume on my speakers, praised the Name above all names and got to talking with Him.
How is it that I trust Him when I all I have to do is follow John but not when John is charge of the entire situation? I've always said, I will follow John anywhere. And I mean that! But evidently only if I get to follow. Don't ask me to trust him with my safety when I have no other choice...Seriously Mair? Yeah, I guess so. Ugh.
The Lord, obviously does not want me afraid. As a matter of fact, of all the scriptures I could find on courage, they all say either, "Take courage" or "Be of good courage" so what the heck? Courage is mine for the taking...so? I don't believe it is a "ask and you shall receive" type of thing. I think it is a matter of taking. Something like sitting at a dinner table and asking someone to pass the salt. It's not a matter of waiting for someone to put the salt on the food for me but rather taking it and using it.
So where does that leave me? I suppose struggling with my own self-sufficiency. My soul screams, "I DO!" And when I am left with no other choice than to trust Joh... and in turn, trust God, with any given moment, my un-holy trinity of Me, Myself, and I get in the way. Truly, the sin of self-sufficiency leads to the sin of fear in me. Hmmmm.
I don't have all the answers to this yet. In my head, I know that God gave me the mantle of marriage to cover me. But in my heart, roars an angry feminist that could make Eve look like a light weight in the I-DO-IT-MYSELF department.
The theme of self has played heavily this week for me. How He loves me! To call me to do great things for Him even while He empties me out so I can be more full of His grace...Yeah, He has a lot to do in me. 'Cause I am full of somethin' and at times it don't smell like a rose!
****This would have been a great time to play the song, "Jesus take the wheel." But I kinda' hate that song with more then words can express. It would have been okay if they played it JUST at Christmas time ('cause it is a Christmas song!) but they played it over and over and over to the point of being a joke. Like what they did with "We are the World" or "The Christmas Shoes"...yeah, I think too much. I know.*****
PS I shared this with John and he admitted he was having the same trouble when I was driving. Hmmmm. Maybe this is less a Maryellen issue then it is a human condition issue. Stuff to ponder as I hit my pillow!
No comments:
Post a Comment