Dear Mom...

If I could write a letter to Mom, it might say some of this...

Dear Mom,

It's May. In my world that means a whole month of missing you. Your anniversary, birthday and to boot, Mother's Day. Sigh. I remember how it annoyed you to have all three in one month because you were often short changed on gifts...know the feeling. I got married two weeks after Christmas but I was smart enough to marry a man who knows not to forget! 

I have this amazing life here, dirt side. I wonder if you get to watch at times, in between singing, "Glory to the Lamb!" and I wonder if you still sing off key too! I know that would have gotten me a dish towel thrown at me!

I sometimes look at this wonderful brood of mine and think what a shame it is that you missed it all. How could I have five children and a husband that never met you? How could they have no point of reference when I talk about our house or you being my softball coach or their Auntie Annie's religion teacher? I miss  our talks about Jesus, reading poetry together, and watching the CMA's with you. Remember how I use to run into your room and put on the radio because, "you just have to hear this song!" My girls do that to me too but my music is better. ;)

I know how you would fuss on my girls and Jack. You would have thought John to be way better for me than you expected I could do. That whole, "marry a civil servant" advice worked out quite well. Thanks.

Mostly I just miss having a mom. I know that sounds silly. God knows we had so little to agree on, except Jesus and fashion. But than I think you would have shaken your head at me for not being a size four anymore...reminding me you went home from the hospital, after giving birth, in your regular clothes. Aha...and that would have gotten a dish towel thrown back at you! I have no doubt you would drive me crazy if you were here...kinda' wish you could.

We would have had some fantastic theological debates! I would have made you so mad because I would have been right. Ha! Remember, you wrote the words, "I love your spirit! I love your fight! I love your smile when you are right!" And in the end, we would have loved each other harder and deeper.

I've had quite a year, Mom. Some of it has been "to the moon" as you would have said and some of it has just made me weep. I still remember how hurt you were when you lost so much in such a short time. Sure wish you were here now. I understand that season better now. Hard to lose a friend you have shared Jesus so deeply with. I am the exact age you were when you went through the same thing. It would be good to have a very good cry with you over it.

But I want you to know something perfected that came out of watching you in that season so many years ago. I have dug deeper into my love of Jesus. I asked Him to give me His love...because I learned that some hurts force you to beg Him to let you love like Him...or you would simply never love again. Learned that from you Mom.

Sometimes the Light of the world can make me cry over the brightness. But life in the Light is nothing short of very good. I don't pretend to have all the answers but I do know the One who does. Fell in love with Him standing next to you. I watched the most conservative woman in Yonkers as you threw your hands up in the air to praise our Jesus. I sat as you anointed my head with oil and prayed that the Holy Spirit would drip down over me like "osmosis" whenever I took a test. And I held your hand as we sought His kingship over our lives.

I just plain miss you. You were right, I'll give you this one: I do miss you now that you are gone. I know I will see you again, soon enough. And I know my kids won't understand just how much they need a mom, even as grown ups, until I am sitting next to you and Jesus. Kiss Rose Marie and Sean for me.

Your sister-in-Christ,
Maryellen

Or as Daddy called me,