Thursday, December 27, 2012

Twas a two days after Christmas and creatures (the dogs) were stirring, waking up the entire house. much for sleeping in to the late hour of 7am...Not bitter much at all, for sure.

These past few months were suppose to be quite different....but like my morning, quite different then I planned. So different. There were doors that kept getting slammed in my face, but I trudged onward towards a goal that didn't exist...until I used some good, old fashioned, Holy Spirit given, common sense. Common sense is often in short supply in my world, very short supply.

...and when common sense is used, don't be surprised when you are asked by godly people if are sure you really heard from see there in lies the rub. There is a reason we Christians say things like, "I feel....I believe...I sense...I am pretty sure...I heard from God on this."  All of the prelude is so that if we are wrong, it won't be God's fault. It also leads others to point at you and say, "Well if you really heard from God, you would not have been wrong."

It is a year now that I began to ask some very hard questions about why I believed what I believed.  Do I believe that God can and does break into this dark world of ours and still performs miracles? I sure do! Do I believe I need to pray at all times? I sure do! Do I believe that I am a new creation and that I can do all things in Christ? I didn't...but I do now.

I have spent most of my life knowing that I am as incapable and ignorant and nothing as could ever be...but somewhere along the line, I missed an incredible fact: I am made in the image of God. I have been reborn into the image of Christ. The old has passed away and something new is here instead. I took Maryellen as an amazing creation of God, the workmanship of a master craftsman out of the entire equation. Somehow I missed that part of my faith...Even as I proclaimed that I am nothing with out Him, what I really meant was that I was nothing, period...and that my friends is a lie straight out of the pit of Hell.

The same is true for you...I know He can and does the extraordinary every day, in my life and yours. I don't mean to down play the God of all...just don't sell yourself knowing you are the workmanship of His hands, you bring glory and praise to His name....and don't blame your mistakes on not hearing from Him...there is nothing wrong with your hearing. If man didn't make mistakes, we would be Him...and your not so there.

Common sense...use it. He gave it to you in the first place.


Monday, December 24, 2012

One more Christmas...

Ah, Christmas Eve...

It is not a big secret that I am not a huge Christmas fan. I am all for the birth of Christ, it is just the rest of it I am not terrific at. None of that matters this year though. This year, I am standing in gratitude for the life I have...and trying not to over plan the future I don't own.

At the very beginning of this season, I came closer to being a widow then I ever needed to consider before John was retired. The day before Thanksgiving John had a massive pulmonary embolism...clots in his lungs. There were way too many dangers in that for this wife/nurse/mom to explain...but it was bad, the The worst didn't happen and for that I am so grateful.

From the start, there was not a lot of prayer on my part. How odd that I was somewhat silent. I just knew God is God and He knows what He is about. I have stood firm knowing that in His perfect plan, this fits...not how I would have gone with it, but not being God and all, I didn't question it a whole lot....deep faith is a gift for sure. Now, want to know what I did all wrong? Of course you do. This would not be the fun blog if you didn't get to chuckle for crying out loud!

I walked in His strength when it comes to keeping John alive. I am good at this kind of thing... I am good at keeping things moving in the worst of times. One problem...I am not good at the little things. Well not so little. Do not ask me to pay bills, look at prices in the grocery store, or Christmas shop with a budget in mind. Ido can all things through Christ...but I am a mess on my own. I spent almost three hundred bucks on snacks one shopping trip (snacks that only lasted a week) and I went to church with out shoes on one Sunday. I have only so many brain cells and mine have been busy firing on work, kids, and John...not the bank account.

No matter how hard I was trying, I kept blowing it. I started to get scared and was worrying, about everything. And then I showed up for prayer one morning. I spent some time in His Word and remembered a prayer I have prayed a million times:

"I can't. You can. So I will. Thy will be done."

It changed everything. As soon as the worry would begin, out of my mouth came, "Thank You for Your provision." and the worry went away. Not that I have to have all the answers, just that I simply do not have to have them.

We are finding our way to normal...although we are not sure what that means yet. A PE has a long recovery process. Long, very long.  There are "what ifs" that will need to be answered but not always by me. Some I have had to let go of and let be.

If I could describe what my soul looks like in this season, even as I walk around, it is me, lying before Him...Him as my Shepherd. Even as my soul lies before Him, my feet walk, my person keeps moving, but my soul lies before Him...still. Truely, it is well with my soul.

Merry Chrismas all.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I am a school nurse...Just a school nurse. Just...

Somehow, I found my way to school nurse. A job I was sure I never wanted...but it was a chance to work in both ministry and nursing...'cause nursing in and of itself is not ministry enough for an over achiever like me, don't you know.

...and last week, we saw another shooting, another massacre, another horror...Except this one was babies...first graders and their teachers and administrators. Working in a school this week means practicing safety drills, directions on new places to park, new rules for parents and students and school nurses.

First reports had the school nurse in Newtown CT as dead. The thought that she was killed just made me weep. Not that the slaughter of the children or the teachers was any less word, I cannot quite wrap my brain around this...these babies. I cannot mediate on the killings or the heartache of an entire town, state, nation.

But it was the school nurse that got to me. I kept going back to it. It was two days before I learned the school nurse survived by hiding in the closet, hiding that is, after seeing the killer's legs from under her desk. She and one of the secretaries where able to make 911 calls and hide for four hours in that closet...

I have never met her, I have no connection to her at all, except that I too am a school nurse. Is this how teachers feel about their fellow teachers who were lost or survived? Are there school principles asking what they would have done in the same situation and mourning more deeply one of their own? Are there cops and firemen and medics out there sharing the grief they know their fellow cops and firemen and medics are facing?

Sally Cox was "just a school nurse" who ran a health office like an emergency room with no equipment. I presume to assume she hated lock down drills more than fire drills. I presume to assume she practiced in her head all the "what ifs" any nurse could...knowing she could be a first responder on a day of horrors. I know she was ready in skill and heart...that part I don't have to presume.

I am keeping Sally Cox RN in my prayers and thoughts this week. The challenge will be to keep her in prayer for the months and days and years to come. Lets not forget to pray...the funerals have only just begun but I can assure you so has the nightmare for those who survived.

Come, oh come, Emanuel.