It is not a big secret that I am not a huge Christmas fan. I am all for the birth of Christ, it is just the rest of it I am not terrific at. None of that matters this year though. This year, I am standing in gratitude for the life I have...and trying not to over plan the future I don't own.
At the very beginning of this season, I came closer to being a widow then I ever needed to consider before John was retired. The day before Thanksgiving John had a massive pulmonary embolism...clots in his lungs. There were way too many dangers in that for this wife/nurse/mom to explain...but it was bad, the worst...no. The worst didn't happen and for that I am so grateful.
From the start, there was not a lot of prayer on my part. How odd that I was somewhat silent. I just knew God is God and He knows what He is about. I have stood firm knowing that in His perfect plan, this fits...not how I would have gone with it, but not being God and all, I didn't question it a whole lot....deep faith is a gift for sure. Now, want to know what I did all wrong? Of course you do. This would not be the fun blog if you didn't get to chuckle for crying out loud!
I walked in His strength when it comes to keeping John alive. I am good at this kind of thing... I am good at keeping things moving in the worst of times. One problem...I am not good at the little things. Well not so little. Do not ask me to pay bills, look at prices in the grocery store, or Christmas shop with a budget in mind. Ido can all things through Christ...but I am a mess on my own. I spent almost three hundred bucks on snacks one shopping trip (snacks that only lasted a week) and I went to church with out shoes on one Sunday. I have only so many brain cells and mine have been busy firing on work, kids, and John...not the bank account.
No matter how hard I was trying, I kept blowing it. I started to get scared and was worrying, about everything. And then I showed up for prayer one morning. I spent some time in His Word and remembered a prayer I have prayed a million times:
"I can't. You can. So I will. Thy will be done."
It changed everything. As soon as the worry would begin, out of my mouth came, "Thank You for Your provision." and the worry went away. Not that I have to have all the answers, just that I simply do not have to have them.
We are finding our way to normal...although we are not sure what that means yet. A PE has a long recovery process. Long, very long. There are "what ifs" that will need to be answered but not always by me. Some I have had to let go of and let be.
If I could describe what my soul looks like in this season, even as I walk around, it is me, lying before Him...Him as my Shepherd. Even as my soul lies before Him, my feet walk, my person keeps moving, but my soul lies before Him...still. Truely, it is well with my soul.
Merry Chrismas all.
