Monday, August 5, 2013

Tangled roots

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:10 is probably the very first scripture I ever knew by heart. Mom use to say to me all the time and it just so happens our pastor has been talking about it a lot of late.

 It has been a very hard year.  John and I attended prayer meeting at our church last week...there wasn't a hand clap, foot stomp, or arm waive to be had. Just prayer. There was no show, no where to hide and a community I have been trying to hide myself in for the last year and a half now knows that I am as broken as I have ever been...Being vulnerable in front of brothers and sisters in a tiny room dedicated to nothing but prayer...

Yesterday, our pastor replaced the the word, "fear" (as in Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom) with the phrase, "Most deeply impressed of..." and even though I have heard him say it at least a hundred times, it suddenly struck my heart with a question, "What am I most deeply impressed of?"

I am most deeply impressed of anyone knowing that I am this broken.

I am most deeply impressed of dying in a fiery crash when anyone but me drives.

I am most deeply impressed of being considered a flake.

I am most deeply impressed of being a widow.

I am most deeply impressed of not being able to pay our bills.

I am most deeply impressed with not getting enough sleep.

I am most deeply impressed of our rental not being good enough to rent so we can pay the mortgage....

See a pattern here?

I always miss my mom but I try to make a day it on the fifth of each August and have for the last twenty years.
Twenty years...and I just now understand what that simple statement of faith means. The hand clapping did stop, so did the arm waiving and a foot stomping. I like to think He finds our enthusiasm somewhat endearing...but the deep and tangled roots of my dogma are beginning to give forth a new and beautiful fruit...and while the process is long and somewhat painful, the fruit is delicious.

I am most deeply impressed of my God and that is the beginning of wisdom. Good advice Ellen gave her daughter so long ago.