Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A way better morning here in Schlusserdom...

Yesterday morning was a complete disaster between mother and son. It all started with a kid who didn't want to get up and ended with tears for both of us and a fat lip for me...No, he didn't wallop me, duh. If he had, you would be reading about my prison sentence.
The hows of it all don't really matter but suffice it to say, it was a very bad beginning to the day.
I always pray over Jack in the mornings before he leaves. He and Maggie get their days commissioning as I pray and hug them. The girls don't let me hold them that close anymore but they still get sent off with an "I love you." sometimes there is a "...inspite of yourself" attached to the love, but an "I love you" non-the-less. And while I pray all of these things over and for them all each day, my Jack~time prayer is special...because he won't leave for school with out it.
But what to do when you want to send the kid to the wood shed not to the payer closet? That was my hearts desire for crying out loud. I wanted to use every James Dobson technique and a few Maryellen ones on that kid's behind...
But prayed we did. Pretty much the same one as always where I ask God to cover Jack's words and deeds in the precious blood of Jesus and to again give charge over His angels to protect Jack and that the angel's would press in so tightly that Jack might just see a feather pop it's wing. But yesterday I also had to ask God to forgive us both for being so angry with each other and to heal our hearts.
As he left in tears down our driveway, I hollered my "I love you" after him and got one in response. Darn it all.
That "I love you" is the most important one of the day to me. I hear it and say it through out the day to to and from everyone in the house, to friends on the phone except for Sara...she is just too Indian, despite her White Plains~y~ness, to be so demonstrative in every phone call!
The need to hear those three little words has always been strong. I wrote about it in "House" and how God literally woke my parent's, both of them, out of that end of life coma. Both of them reached back to life, for just a moment, long enough to say "I love you" to me.
But I realized yesterday that some of my "love" isn't so much "love" after all. Sometimes my "I love you" is not based in love but in fear.
I sometimes fall into the fear of something happening to my loved ones while we are apart and I want to make sure they hear it and I hear it one last time before we are a part. I can't tell you how many times I have been at a football practice for my son or a school event with one of the other kids and watched parents say just good-bye to their kids or spouse. I almost want to lunge at them and remind them to kiss good-bye and say that darn "I love you"!
Does anyone else think that maybe this is starting to get a little creepy here? I mean that in the nicest way possible about myself but when does it get to be a co-dependant and over extending gesture in stead of a depth of truth?
I am not sure. I can say that I use to watch older couples out at dinner who were not talking...and it scared me to death. I would think, "Why can't they find anything to talk about????????? Please God, don't let that happen to John and I!" As if I would ever run out of things to say!
But John and I have been known to sit over a cup of coffee and not talk...just enjoy the lack of chatter for a little while. Sometimes not talking is a wonderful gift. You see, I am as secure in that silence as I am in conversation.
It drives me nuts when my kids just say "Bye" when we are on the phone. I want to hear an "I love ya'." or an "I love you too." but it doesn't always happen anymore. I've had to settle for the fact that I may just have to be the say~er instead of the say~ee and accept the fact that they love me, even when they don't say it.
But I don't much like it. So I will rest in knowing they love me even when they are silent...much like I do with our God. Sometimes His Love is so overflowing that I can feel Him say it in my soul...and other times I just have to remember the "I love you" spoken in the gift of the cross so clearly that I can hear the words in my heart from across the ages.
In the meantime, I got to hug on Jack, give him a few extra tickles and thank God for forgiveness as I prayed for those angels to press in so close that he might just get to see a feather pop it's wing...I pray that for you today also.
And in case you don't know it dear readers, I love you...and I will be really grown up if you don't leave a comment saying the same! Well mostly...LOL!


Sheila said...

I love you too!

sara said...

Well now that you mention me in your blog, I suppose I should get over my Indianess and tell you for at least the fifth time in our many year friendship that I love you too! I will go a step further and leave you with this White Plainsism....you go on with your blogin self!