Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Not allowed...

Being the youngest in my family, I tend to have an over riding need to be liked. I am just "me" centered enough to think everyone should like me and accept me...of course, since no one is liked by everyone, I had spent a great deal of my life feeling badly when I wasn't liked.

Until I was in my mid-thirties, I honestly needed that constant affirmation. Why? I am sure I could spend a few hundred blog posts on rejection and what that does to a heart. But I don't feel like it. My blog and all that!

But somewhere between a Beth Moore bible study and sitting at my blog, I realized that I am highly favored and accepted by the only One that matters. I also love that Beth's friends call her "Beth-la-ham!" Nothing wrong with being a ham as long as it is just you being you, not you needing the attention.

Now being as sanguine as I am, I also happen to believe that what God has shown me, He intends for me to share...thus the book, the blog...the mouth that I have! But I've also discovered that some of what He shows me, while shared, may not get feedback from anyone but Him.

At some point though, I also stopped trying to get others to behave the way that would make me feel the most comfortable in my skin. I learned this in the back of church one afternoon while sitting next to my girlfriends husband. He is not a talker and I think mindless chatter annoys him. In the past, I would have done everything I could to engage him and "put him at ease"...until I realized he already was at ease. He is quite comfortable in his own skin, thank you Miss Chatty pants. So I did the most extraordinary thing in that sanctuary. I mean I went all the way to plaid to make this man comfortable. Yes, I sat there and shut up. I know. What a gift of selflessness I showed! I have no doubt that my gift will be source of reflection for all of you as the days go on. Go ahead, meditate on it. I understand.

It became clear to me that my "putting people at ease" is often more about putting me at ease. I adore another sanguine-ite. Laugh at my jokes or at the least, smile at me and my loyalty is yours. Ack, now I have gone and exposed my heart here for all the world to see. Nothing makes me more insecure then not being able to make someone laugh. It is actually quite easy to get rid of me. There now you know. Don't laugh or smile at me when we first meet and you are rid of me. For those of you who will comment on here, "If I only knew it was that easy." Tough, your stuck with me now!

A sure fire way to grow some thicker skin is to write a book no one reads. Or better still, get a couple of rejection letters...Oy, that'll show you quick enough your own heart. Now that is humbling and it will either cause you to quit or dig into love Him all the more.

All of that back ground to say, I have found myself in a shut up mode at home. I have a child here who has pushed my last button. And I am pretty sure that another speech from me would only produce the sound of the teacher from "Peanuts" in her ears: "Mwa, mwa, mwa, mwa, mwaaaaaaaaaa." So, I am just quiet with her.

There is quiet and then there is quiet with a chip of "don't even think about talking to me." Yeah, I am in the latter.

I know, as a mom, I don't get to shut down. I don't get to go into self-protection mode. The moment there was a child, there was a love and love never fails. It is there in season and out of season. But it isn't always that warm hug thing either. Sometimes love means the "put up or shut up" in our lives.

So while I am quiet with this child, I won't be with our God. Given that He made me and this mouth of mine, I plan to use in front of Him in just about an hour or so. When the hubby and kids are all out the door, I have a plan to bring Him my complaint...and then I think I will shut up again. Just to sit and be silent before Him, with out the chip. I know He gives wisdom to whomever asks...and He gives a lot of it, sometimes more then our hearts can imagine.
As Tennyson put it, "In thy wisdom, make me wise."

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